The Balto Bunny Project

It was early 2008 when I came to a very clear crossroads in my life. I had been heavy dosages of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, sleeping pills, etc. for 10½ years. Basically, my entire adult life. It was time to face the fact that I had lived in denial of all these years. They were not working, in many respects actually made me worse, and I was dying a slow and painful death inside. I decided to finally acknowledge the dark thought that had been growing in strength inside of me all of these years: I would rather die than live like this. I had lost myself just slowly enough over the years to not realize it. I had always been suicidal, for as long as I could remember and now I was actually planning it. But ironically one nagging thought got in my way: could I know happiness and peace in this lifetime? I decided to give my life one last chance and to get off all the medications and pick up the pieces of myself that I could still find. The withdrawal was an unbelievable nightmare. In addition to the emotional distress, I endured months and months of agonizing physical problems such as gut-wrenching nausea and debilitating brain zaps. It was during this very dark time that I started looking online at forums for people who were withdrawing and detoxing from their meds, and I found tons of heartbreaking posts from people who were suffering incredibly. It seemed they posted briefly to let some of their agony out, but I am still haunted, wondering where they are now. Did they make it through and find a better, drug- free life for themselves? My heart broke to think of them, their only outlet ranting on scattered forums and receiving little comfort or support.

I decided that if I actually made it through the experience I would create a forum for education, inspiration, and comfort for those who also decided to choose this new and often scorned path. This site is also an important read for anyone considering or currently taking antidepressants or anti anxiety medications. People need to be warned about the quality of life and the consequences of choosing that path. I am sickened by all the new advertisements stating that “4 out of 5 people taking antidepressants report that they do not always work”. More and more celebrities are speaking openly about depression and are being prescribed medication. If more and more people are taking these medications and they are not working, shouldn’t this be a clue that something else is wrong? To me it was a big clue, amongst many clues that I ignored by listening only to my psychiatrist and taking my medicine every day for over a decade. I spent 8 years in therapy, which did nothing at all to improve my situation because the doctors never dug below the surface of my everyday life. I didn’t know there were different types of therapy. I didn’t know anything except that I was sick and so I went to doctors, and did what they told me to do. I thought I was taking responsibility for myself and my life. Instead I was stepping into a nightmare that I am so lucky to have escaped from.

I discovered what is at the root of my depression and I have addressed it, instead of attempting to mask the symptoms with pills. I truly feel better than I ever have, and for the first time I feel like I am moving forward and actually a part of life. There is a lot of information on this site as to my experiences and conclusions that I have come to on this difficult journey dealing with severe depression and anxiety. My message is: “Depression is curable. It is a difficult puzzle that has many pieces. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies insist that the universal truth of depression is that treatment means medication. Figure out what your personal truth is. When you learn to listen to that inner truth, life opens up and embraces you, you begin to move forward towards healing. It is unacceptable that millions of people are victims of doctors irresponsibly prescribing meds and ruining lives. This is the modern day equivalent of committing someone to a mental institution. Do not go gently into that good night…”

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. For 10½ years, I lived in a state of perpetual insanity.”