4 Years off All the Fucking Meds! written by: padhia
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It has been just over 4 years since I have been off all the anti depressants. People write to me often and ask what life is like and how I feel. I often think about holding back telling them how good I feel because I know they are suffering, but in the end I hope my honesty will inspire instead of hurt them. I feel fucking fantastic every moment of every day. These last few years have been the first years of my life that I have really felt alive and felt joy and happiness. It is not a mood or a high, it is just a state of being that doesn’t waver no matter what I a struggle with because it is based on a very deep foundation. Yes, I have bad feelings at times. I get sad, I feel lonely… but it is different now. I feel them clearly and in that there is a certain beauty and therefore happiness. The clarity of what I am feeling and why allows me to do something about the source. When I was depressed, it was such a thick murky soup of bad feelings, I couldn’t begin to figure out what I was feeling or why, much less do anything about it.

 

It wasn’t just about getting off the medications. It was about dealing with my depression in an active manner and taking charge of it. I recently read a really great book by the angry therapist, John Kim. It’s called Transparency. Its short and goes down smooth and I highly recommend it. I told him that he basically took all of the junk that has been scattered about in my mind and organized it. he talks about building a safe container. This is exactly how I would explain the last 4 years. If you watched my intro video, I mentioned what it feels like to wake up one day in your life. A life that was built by a completely depressed, dysfunctional being. Yes this was frightening and overwhelming and there sure was no instruction manual, but for the first time in my life I was in control. The last four years I have been building a safe container for my soul, my free soul (free from suffering) to live in. one that promotes its expression, its creativity and acknowledges and values its feelings no matter how small. In doing this, my inner voice has gotten stronger and I no longer suffer from anxiety because I have confidence that I can take care of myself on very basic emotional levels. Nothing can come along and blind sight me and destroy me.

 

These last few years were about getting over the physical symptoms of the withdrawal ( which are completely gone thank god) and getting stronger, living with intention. I started my life over on the path that I have always wanted to be on. When I was depressed, I knew where I wanted to go, but I couldn’t see anyway to get there. With a clear mind, I was able to take the steps necessary. A big component of depression is t hat you are not living your life the way you want to, because you just can’t figure out how to make that happen. When your energy is no longer spent suffering, amazing things appear before you, paths you might not have seen otherwise when you are consumed by the daily quicksand that is living in depression.

 

I wake up every morning with such a deep peaceful feeling inside of the center of my being. Everything just feels clear and calm. There is no turmoil. There is no pain. There is no elevator car that comes crashing down on me and reminds me of my painful existence and overwhelms me with its weight and pain.

 

I have been working on building a better version of myself and my life. Figuring out what is important to me, what feels good to me, how I want to live and what allows me to grow. I feel alive, like I am in motion all the time, moving forward. When I was depressed I felt like I was swimming around and around in the same demented circle, and life was moving forward without me. Each day tiny magical things happen as if to whisper to me that I am heading in the right direction and this moment in life has been waiting for me to join it and is happy to see me. The breeze feels magical on my skin, the light in the sky no matter how cloudy or sunny feels perfect and breathtakingly beautiful. I never think of ending my life anymore, only brief sadness that there will not be enough of my life to do all the things I want to do (and now can do) but that is soon replaced by the gratitude that I am finally free of suffering, and the sheer magnitude of what that means.

 

I am continually making choices that support my growth and health, as you may have read on the site, it is much more than just getting off the medications. I seldom eat gluten, processed foods, or sugar. Vitamins and exercise and getting outside are always a priority. It is no longer a struggle to take good care of myself. These things just happen because I feel good and want to feel good and I know how important these things are. You cant load yourself up with chemicals and expect your brain chemistry and hormones to be in balance. You have to give yourself what you need everyday in order for optimal functioning. Finally my good habits are creating more good habits and the ease with which I execute them pleases me. I have always felt like I was swimming upstream and small things like flossing and not eating things that made me feel like shit were such a struggle.

 

I have planted so many seeds and tended to them so carefully when they were weak. They are finally growing strong. I am very excited to see what life will stem from them.

“Peace and happiness isn’t a mood or a high, it’s a state of living that is completely achievable when you work hard to clear off all the crap that blocks the sun from shining inside of you.”

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  1. Ann Lewis Your Name
    5/23/2013

    Padhia your incredible memory has been the source of your healing. This is so important in a culture the tells us to ‘forget it.’ What we ‘forget’ is lost to us. Please call when you have a moment I have an idea I want to discuss with you. ann