Construction of a dysfunctional life written by: padhia
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I had the amazing experience of literally waking up inside of my life. Standing in the rubble, the ashes of my life, I began to pick up pieces in the rubble and examine them. I could clearly see how every single thing in my life- my relationships bother friendship, personal, professional, all of them were built around and by my depression. My business, my home situation, everything. I could never articulate what it felt to see it all with clear eyes for the first time. It was as if the smoke had finally cleared and fresh air and sunlight were shining down illuminating everything around me so that I could evaluate it clearly for the first time. it was frightening how deeply rooted in every single aspect of my existence the depression was. I marveled at how it was a monster that seemed to intuitively know how to feed itself. All of the circumstances created by depression, served to created more depression. This is part of the reason why depression is so difficult to recover from. Once you do the emotional work and and detox necessary, then you must rebuild your life. It is my goal to open a recovery center one day. Based on the heaps of compassion I have amassed towards people who are not fuctioning well and who are suffering emotionally, I really believe I could do some amazing things working with them. First they need light counseling to reinstill hope and give them courage to face the journey that they are about to embark on. Then they need nutritional support. Detox off gluten, sugar, processed foods. Supplementations. Then the detox phase. Once that is all through, begins the fun. Building a new life with your newly functioning mind. When depression is gone, it is like a whole new operating system is installed in your brain. You might feel weak and insecure at first, but with each new milestone and experience you quickly gain confidence in your new driving machine. Life begins to wildy move, and you are feeling the motion, the air on your face as you move forward for the first time, if you are like me- in many many years. Relationships must be updated. Chnaging the dynamics in a relationship, even if it is just a friendship is very diffifcult and sometimes time apart is the only thing that can fix it. Don’t be afraid to let go of someone who cant understand the new you and wants the old you back because they were more comfortable with the dysfunctional passive version of yourself. I actually let go of one of my best friends from high school during this time. she was really unbearable during this entire ordeal, and it became even worse when I was in this phase she started saying things like “when you were on the meds, you were always so sweet and quiet. Even — thinks you’re totally different”. No shit, because now, when you hurt me I see it when it happens and I address it instead of stuffing it down inside and allowing it to echo around like a razor blade,wear on my soul and fatiguring me. my dad was another one. I didn’t speak to him for a year after I got off the meds. I couldn’t. I had to figure out how I felt. I was fragile and he caused me a lot of pain, which in the past I was all too willing to just stuff down and shut down and swallow with a smile. I needed to figure out how I felt about him and why and why I had the reactions I did. Sometimes when you spend time apart from someone, both your lives go on, and when your paths cross again, you see each other with fresh eyes. Way more natural and easy than trying to show someone how different you are and getting them to understand how they need to change to create a new dynamic with you. I lost a lot of people during this time. I am happy to say that every single one of them is in my life currently. We just naturally reconnected and picked up where we left off. The difference is they are no longer at arms length, because now they understand me and actually know me. I allowed a lot of people to hurt me during my depressed years, because no one really knew what upset me. I didn’t know what upset me either, I would just internalize it all. People did their best with almost no information. I don’t hold it against anyone. You have to let people know you, so they know how to be a friend to you.


I spent many years like a Geisha or something. Little tiny bound feet and a painted face. Just smiling, going through the motions, giving people what they wanted. I never made anyone uncomfortable and often wondered if I was in fact invisible. Now I have a voice, an opinion, a history, and boundaries. And yes, I am going to let you know about all of them(appropriately). I am going to show you what is in my heart and my mind and because of this transparency, my friendships are authentic and I have such a deep affection for my friends because simply by being this way, I have brought it out in them and we have shared a very deep bond of being humans passing by each other, traveling on this mysterious journey. I have worked very hard to take my world from inside my head and put it out into the world. this is living.


You might realize that your career was based on inadequacies mistruths that you believed about yourself, about things you believed in because of your depressed state. I know mine was. I was a 3d artist, had a small business doing architectural viz. all my life I have wanted to create these fantastic images in my mind. Images of creatures and characters, in all sorts of bizarre scenarios, with one common theme.. triumph of the spirit over circumstance. I would get so depressed because I wanted to live my life a certain way and I couldn’t figure out how to get to that place, the only place I truly could see myself living happily. Without depression, I began to see the steps and believe that this was possible. What used to be a trapped, caged, deprived existence now felt like the first steps along a path of a remarkable journey. All  that had changed was  my mind. I moved 3,000 miles away, left everything familiar and started over with the only thing I knew for sure was that I had a dream and wanted to dedicate my life to finding out if I could make it a reality. What I used to see as a destination so overwhelming and impossible that it would weigh on me until thoughts of it made me have to  take pills and lie down, is now something I have taken years worth of steps towards and am closer than ever.

“Peace and happiness isn’t a mood or a high, it’s a state of living that is completely achievable when you work hard to clear off all the crap that blocks the sun from shining inside of you.”


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  1. Lenny

    Anxiety attacks, also caelld panic attacks, are unexpected episodes of intense terror or fear. Anxiety attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perceived danger is very real. A person experiencing an anxiety attack will often feel as if they are about to die or pass out.Self-Help Tips for Controlling Reducing Anxiety Exercise regularly Exercise is an effective treatment for anxiety. Yoga and aerobic activities are particularly calming. To learn more about how moving your body is good for your state of mind, read Exercise eases symptoms of anxiety and depression.Get enough sleep Lack of sleep can exacerbate anxiety. Getting the Sleep You Need describes the importance of a full-night’s rest and offers tips on how to sleep well.Eat a healthy diet Healthy eating can help you in your battle against anxiety and stress. Make sure your diet includes plenty of fruits and vegetables. Read Healthy Eating for guidelines and tips. Meditate Many types of meditation have been shown to reduce anxiety. Common types of meditation include mindfulness, walking meditation, and transcendental meditation. Visit Meditation Balances the Body’s Systems for an overview of its benefits for body and mind. Practice relaxation techniques Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and visualization can help reduce anxiety. Relaxation Techniques for Relief of Anxiety Stress describes a variety of relaxation exercises you can practice on your own.Avoid alcohol and drugs Don’t use substances to cope with your anxiety. They can make the problem worse, and eventually will cause problems of their own. Eliminate caffeine Stop drinking or cut back on caffeinated beverages, including soda, coffee, and tea. Caffeine can increase anxiety, cause insomnia, and even provoke panic attacks.Cultivate a support system Spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good and are emotionally supportive. The more social support you have from friends and family, the less vulnerable you will be to anxiety and stress.

  2. Auth

    Thanks for wriintg such an easy-to-understand article on this topic.

  3. cindy Paolicelli

    we are kinder spirits I can fill in my own experiences by taking out few words in everything i read . will read you word for word and share thank you.