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Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results! We are surrounded by clichés that don't even register anymore, but somewhere along this journey, this one got through to me. It was exactly what I was doing year after year. And I actually was so bewildered and plagued by the fact that things never turned out differently!

This is true of attempting to treat depression with medication, and also true of not seeking professional help, or seeing a therapist who does not delve beneath the surface of your daily life & routine.

For 10.5 years I tried to get rid of all the symptoms of my depression by taking all the latest and greatest meds and higher doses and combinations. I never considered there might be an entirely different direction to go in. The only "different direction" I considered were different medications. Insanity.

For years, I believed I could "fix myself". I journaled. I made lists of all the things I wanted to do in life, lists of all the things that bothered me. I reflected deeply on myself, my past, and my future. I wrote about my intentions. I wrote about my pain. I tried everything I could to sort it out and make it go away. I surrounded myself with inspiration and wisdom, trying to snap myself out it. In the end, I really solved nothing and got nowhere. But I kept doing it, over and over. Insanity.

At the point where I was standing at the crossroads, I decided I would begin doing things very differently. In fact, I decided that I would do as many things differently as I could think of. I joked about this to myself, by thinking of it as a "personal experiment". I was very curious to see what would sprout when I planted new seeds. At least it wouldn't be the same crop of rottenness that I kept coming up with. I thought about what my life would be like in one year's time, one year of making completely different choices. That thought kept me going through some very rough times. That is still how I think about things now. I am not at the end of the journey, having arrived at my final destination. Things are not always very easy for me. But I know I am planting whole new seeds, and whatever ends up happening- it will be a new and different life. I do believe that is called hope.

"If you don't like what is growing in your garden plant different seeds!"